EP04: I Moved Countries But Grief Didn't Stay Behind

 Do you still think about Lydia? Every day?

Yeah, every day. I think I can't,

Daniel.

Why Australia? Uh, my mum and dad, they fell in love with Australia. Um, always talked about it, like when we were growing up and how much they loved it. And

it's where you're running or you're starting again?

Probably at the start of the first year, probably a bit more of a run in really.

I think. Um,

how hard was it? To let somebody in,

in the back of your mind, you're always thinking the worst, like going back to Lydia, like thinking that could happen again. Or if

Lydia could see you now, what do you think she'd, she'd say?

Welcome back to Episodes of Life. Over the last three episodes, we've gone from the night, everything changed through the grief and through the period where Daniel used destructive methods trying to escape it. This episode is about what came next, not getting over it, but learning how to live with it, and with that came the move to Australia.

Daniel, why Australia?

Uh, well, my mum and dad, they traveled, um, but backpackers back in the eighties, like late eighties, um, for about 18 months I think it was. And they, like, they fell in love with Australia. Um, always talked about it, like when we were growing up and how much they loved it and, um, which they went back.

Um, and they like got her like family friends over here. Um, the farm they worked on when they were backpacking, uh, in Victoria, uh, KMU. Um, a straw farm at the time, and they were picking. And ended up staying on the farm for six months and they've, um, stayed in contact with Michael Lorraine and the Hayes family ever since.

So, yeah.

Wow. So you hadn't been to Australia before?

No, not January 24. I, I came, I said to everyone after COVID, I said, I'm going to, in January, 2024, I'm going. Right. That was it.

Was the plan to move permanently from the beginning or was it, was it a holiday? What was the plan?

I think I always had it in my head that I would.

Probably wanna stay forever. I think I just needed that whole fresh start bit. Like the first year, it's always like a bit of a holiday. Um, just trying to, you're traveling around a bit, catching up with everyone at the house. Did you

go work at the strawberry

farm? Yeah. You did? Yeah, I was there, I was working there for I think about six weeks, six, seven weeks.

Okay. Um, yeah. They're not doing strawberries anymore, but it's avocados.

Right.

Okay. They've, so it was, yeah. Amazing. Really just going, working on the same farm. My parents worked out when they were like 20, 21. Uh, like it's special. Really feel a bit close to them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, that is, that is special. So you came out with the mindset that you, in the, whether it's sort of the back of your mind.

Yeah. But with the mindset, I, I don't think I'll probably come back. Mm. See how things go, obviously.

Yeah.

Did you tell your family and friends that was the case, or did they think you were just coming on a holiday?

No, I never told 'em, but I thought that, I think they had a bit of an inkling that they always knew I probably, um, not want, wanna start it long term.

Um, yeah, I just, I think I just knew him, but back in the head that I was just wanted to give it a go. I think. I think it just really, the fresh start, I think everything.

Well, that's what I really wanna ask you. Yeah. I really do want you to, to think about this. Were you running or were you starting again?

Probably at the start of the first year, probably a bit more of a running really. I think, um, I think middle of last year, um, I kind of just clicked to me like I moved over here for a fresh start, so that kind of needed to start in my head as well, you know, I mean, sort of. Well,

let's go back to the, the day you, you landed, or, you know, that first week.

Did it feel fresh? Did it feel like that was the, uh. Some form of, of turning point in your life?

Yeah, I think so. Um, I think I landed in Adelaide, uh, caught with my good mate, Scott. Um, he moved over when we, like he was eight when he with his family, so it was, spent a couple of weeks with him. Um, and then yeah, I went to the farm.

Um, but yeah, I think it just, yeah, I think at that, at the start you're kind of in that holiday mode, just taking each day as it calmers and just

sure.

Kind of loving every moment, really. Yeah,

absolutely. Did did anything change for you in that first little while in, you know, in your, in your, in your mental space, in your, or did you just on holidays and, you know,

I think I was probably on that holiday, but then still in the mentally, I think like me now, like it's just get on with it sort of thing.

Like it's good to be here and start focusing just, and I kind of, yeah, it's hard, like obviously the first time away from home really like. Um, away friends and family, but kind of gave me a bit more time just on my own and figure start, start, finish stuff out myself. Yeah,

because we talked about in the last episode the destructive mode.

Yeah.

You were in, were you still in that right up until the point of, of leaving England or had you, had you sort of gotten through that to a certain extent?

Probably gotten through that a little bit, but I'll still be. I'd probably go out and just still getting that blackout, just wouldn't know my limit really.

I just

Sure,

yeah. Just coastal blackout really.

And did that continue once, once you got to Australia or was that, was that a circuit breaker with that type of behavior

that, that has done a couple of times, uh, bit in Australia, but um, for that sort of, yeah, that at times I think I kind of good reasons, more like celebrating stuff.

Um, so yeah.

Okay. So you were obviously smoking. Pot and cannabis and back, back in the uk. But that sort of changed when you got to Australia,

didn't it? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I was, um, struggling, uh, last year. I went going, I went to see a counselor again for a little bit. Um, and then, yeah, I was talking to her and she said, you'll probably be able to get like medicinal cannabis.

Um, so I went to the doctor to explain everything what happened and yeah, I think it's like, it's helped me. Um, like if everything, it's got its pros and cons. People have their own. Sort of opinion and everything. Sure. Which, uh, entitled to, but um, for me it just kinda helps me speak honestly. Um, uh, lowers my guard a bit, I think.

And yeah, just stay present really, I think kind of helps me think in more of a. Positive mindset, I'd say.

Okay. How much are you taking? Are you taking it daily?

Nah, I try not to try not to kind of have a, kind of, have like a midweek, sort of a midweek reset and then just on the weekends really.

Sure.

Yeah.

Sure. So in what ways do you think. You approached that differently? 'cause when you were, you were hitting the pot back at, back, back home, that was more just escapism, wasn't it? And this, this was more, this is more to help you. Yeah. You cope day to day, right?

Yeah. I think all the other stuff, like the other drugs back home, like the uh, cat old pills and ecstasy, coke, they're all more of like a escape and just numb it all.

But I think. When I started smoking, uh, marijuana or weed, whatever, um, in, uh, lockdown, I, I kind of, then that's when I realized it was kind of helping. It was

actually helping.

Yeah.

Right. Very look. I mean, as you said, everyone does have their opinion on that, but, um, you know, I think it has been proven that, you know, when you genuinely, you know, for medicinal purposes and that it, it helps.

And that's been your experience. A

hundred percent.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay, so you've, you, you're in Australia, you've gone and, um, followed in your, your, your parents' footsteps and picked some avocados instead of strawberries. You're settling in and, and starting to, to. You know, work out where, where things are at in Australia.

At what point did you realize just the move here wasn't gonna gonna fix the state you're in, that it really needed to be a mental shift?

Uh, I think part of it was meeting, meeting Emily, um, and moving to the Gold Coast, really. Um, I think like meeting the side of it, like met someone, you've got a kind of.

It is hard to like drop my guard. Um, always probably like self-sabotaging at the start of the relationship.

When did you meet, let's just talk timelines. Yeah. You arrived in Australia when?

Uh, January, 2024.

Okay. So that's, we're talking almost five years since the, since the accident. Yeah.

Yeah.

And um, at what stage did you meet Emily?

It would've been. Middle of 2024. It was like end of March, April time. Okay.

Okay. And where did you meet Emily?

Uh, I was Adelaide. Um, long weekend, Easter weekend. I drove the Great Ocean Road, um, from uh, Stew's house in to Key. Um, and then yeah, done drove to Adelaide. Um, catching up with Scott. Went to, um. My port game.

He's a massive port fan.

Yep.

And, uh, being the pomy, I'm, I'm getting the beers to your seats. 'cause you can't have that, the football back home. Yeah. So I just took advantage of that. I think I got a bit too drunk, uh, um, went out, um, in Adelaide after. And then you met her? Met Emily there.

Okay. And this how hard this is your, your first, what became your first serious relationship?

Serious relationship. Yeah. Serious.

Serious. Yeah. I say

since Lydia, how hard was it? To let somebody in.

Oh, odd. Yeah. I think like you always, in the back of your mind, you're always thinking the worst, like going back to Lydia, like thinking that could happen again or something.

Well, that's what I was gonna ask.

Yeah. Was that a, was that a real fear for you? That

Yeah. Like

it could happen again?

Yeah. You're like thinking like you don't wanna get too close to someone again. 'cause that could happen. Um. So that's all, that was always on the start, on the back of my mind, like probably self-sabotaging, not pushing her away.

Yeah. Um,

do you know how that was manifesting what you were doing to, to push her away?

Oh, just being an idiot. I think, uh, just, yeah, like not allowing yourself probably to be happy and have any feelings. Like you, when, like, when you start feeling something, you just push 'em down. You don't feel sure. Yeah.

Sort of

thing. Suppress the,

yeah.

The feelings. Did you, we've talked a lot about the guilt you felt around the, the night of, of the accident. Was there any feelings of, of guilt moving on and, and, and seeing somebody else?

Yeah.

How, what emotions came up for you in that respect

before you, like, you don't, like, don't deserve to be happy and stuff like that?

Yeah. So, yeah. Um, yeah, I think that's it. Just like he probably just thinking, I don't deserve to be happy, and he just, yeah. Kind of just negative feelings again, of just all that

was, was there a level of excitement though, that this was a, a moving on point?

Yeah.

Yeah. Another, another for want of a better phrase, milestone of, of, of moving on having another relationship.

Yeah, definitely. I think once you get past all that. And you realize it kind of clicks in your head that you shouldn't be feeding that way. Like you just, you do deserve to be happy. You've met like a beautiful girl. Like she's been nicely, very patient with me. Um, very understanding. So I think it just, you just gotta allow yourself to be happy and not think of all the other stuff that's going in in your head and just, yeah.

Tell me about how and when you told her and, and what came up for you at that time.

Uh, can you remember? It might have been probably was the first night we met if, when these guys really very drunk. So I probably was just turning like why I want probably I make a conversation like what it, 'cause I'm from the UK and in Australia, why you want, why are you in Australia?

Why do you wanna move to Australia? And stuff like that. And I probably, because I had a few drinks inside of me, I've already, yeah. Told her that night, I'd imagine.

You think?

Yeah.

Okay. So you can't recall how that made you feel or was that something you tended to do? Yeah, when you were out and had met girls previously, you know, just on nights out, that didn't ever become anything, but

No.

Yeah, probably like, not, not just girls, like anyone go, I, I speak to, on a night out after a few drinks, you kind of take your guard down. It

would generally come up

probably like, I dunno, I dunno how I'd bring it up or,

because I guess it would be a common question you'd get from Aussies when you're out and hear your accent.

What, what, what's brought you out to a,

to

Australia?

Sometimes I don't, I'm not on it. Like, if people ask me, I'll just, I just needed a fresh start sort of thing, but. I imagine on a night after a few drinks, I'd probably open up a bit more. Yeah. And my guard then.

How do people react when, you know, obviously that's happened quite a few times.

Mm-hmm. You know, whether it's just guys you've met or, or girls, whatever, and you're, you've got your guard down.

Yeah.

How do, how do people react?

Because like most people you meet are probably quite good, I think, and they put like, when you're, you, when you realize everyone's got something going on. Do you know what I mean?

Everyone's got something to stress. Everyone's got a story, don't about anxiety. Yep. Everyone's kind of got their own sort of battles going on that, so some people like sit down and like talk about it and let their guard down a bit. And sometimes those people just go, I'm so sorry, like the normal, but what can you say in them moments?

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you find that that's, doesn't it, it's less and less that you bring that up as a, a core part of your life? Story. Now, when, whenever situations like that arise when you, do you find that that's becoming less and less, or is it still one of the the key things that you want to. Talk about as a,

yeah,

as a thing in your life with new people now.

No.

Yeah. Well, I guess this doing this is probably taking it to the extreme, but Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I think,

well

now you can just flick them a link to the podcast.

Yeah, there you go. Yeah. Um, wrap your ears around that. But, um, the, uh, talking about it and doing this is like, obviously helps me and why I wanna do this.

I think, um, I would love to be able to learn about like, the mental health of its side of it. I think it's very interesting and, uh. Like to understand what's going in my going in my mind. 'cause half the time I don't even know. Do you know what I mean? Sure. Um. I've kind of always partner of been interested.

I kind of wanna learn about it a bit more, I think.

Yep.

It would be quite cool to always that in my mind, the last couple of years of trying to get my counseling, uh, certificate and become a counselor, I think would be quite rewarding and help people have.

Do you feel as though the counselors you've spoke to have been a, a, a big help in

Oh, definitely.

In the process for you?

Yeah, definitely. In, in UK I was gonna see him. Council Mel, uh, helped me massively. When I was struggling, um, last year when I moved to the Gold Coast first, moved here, um, started gonna see someone again. Um, not as much. I think it kind of clicked me after a few sessions that they, they can't really do much else for you now.

I think it's not, it's worked. It did work. It's not gonna work for now. I think's

you, you've gotten the most you

can out of it now. Yeah, I think so. And I think I just needed that when it kind of clicked to me, I need to fucking do it myself.

Yep.

You know what I mean? I've got,

yep.

Yeah.

So when that realization hit.

What did you do? What did what, where did you then go to, what's my next step? What am I gonna do if I now do have to help myself?

Yeah. I think, um, when me and NY first moved to the Gold Coast, I took a bit of, bit, bit of time to get settled. I think that was pretty what I'm struggling mentally and lot, lot was going on.

Um, I think it was like the sixth, um, year anniversary, so that was just kind of on my mind a lot. And it was like six years and why am I still feeling like all these negative faults and stuff? Um. So I think that, and then probably middle twin of last year, um, got her own place feeling much, much more settled.

I got a settled job. Good job. Um, they're sponsoring me now as well. So I think it's kind of a bit more relaxed and settled. And then, um, I started, got the laptop in their own place and just started journaling Really. And that's when I done that journal. Yep. Um. And then send it over to about, and then also, was that the idea of doing the podcast?

I thought Do the journal, read that through, and I think, and doing the podcast as well. Yeah.

I think we'll want, we've talked about making that journal available Yeah. On, you know, as a link on YouTube. Yeah. And, um, on the podcast. So if anyone does wanna read that, that we'll be, we'll be there. Yeah. Um, well, let's talk about the, the podcast.

It's been a few weeks since we've

Yeah.

We last spoke and, and did the, did episode. Three, you, you did come into this, you know, with a, um, a view and a, a hope that it would be another step forward

Yeah.

In, you know, dealing with this and, and, and overcoming it to a certain extent.

Yeah.

Has there been any feelings of that at, at this particular point?

Do you feel as though this has been therapeutic for you at this, at this stage?

Hundred percent. Yeah. A hundred percent. Yeah. I think. Always, like even going back to UK and I told, I've told a lot of people, I was like, I'm gonna do a podcast. And I'm like, it's like, same thing as Australia. I said, I'm told people moving to Australia, I've told people I'm doing a podcast, I've gotta do it if I don't do it.

And I, I look like a bit of a fool. And I think I've got so many regrets already, so many things in me that I regret doing or saying. And. If I don't do this, I'd regret not doing it. So yeah, I think it's just helped me mostly down. There's

a lot more I think that can probably come from this and, and looking back even on this yourself.

Yeah.

In a, in a, in a year or two or three years time. Yeah. Um, but you, you've also, when you came to me, were, were wanting people to know and understand what. You've been through in your own head? Yeah.

Yeah. I think 'cause

um,

like my friends and family, I think, and just for other people, like there's a lot of people struggling out there.

I think mental health is a bit of an epidemic. Absolutely doesn't get talked about enough, especially in blokes. Um, like suicide rate's a joke, I think. And I've, I'm very lucky to have a support network that I've had, but, um, people in my situation or similar situations probably don't have that. And. Don't have anyone they can like talk to.

Even though I didn't talk to 'em, I knew they were there. I just had that support. So I just,

yep.

Yeah, it's helped me massively doing it. I think. Just getting it all out there and talking about it, it's the best thing you can do, really. Yeah,

absolutely. But being physical was another big part of the, the, the steps forward, wasn't it?

You're getting out there and being, being active. Tell me a bit about that.

Yeah, I think I've always played football. Um,

that's, that's soccer for our Australian though.

Oh, not that word. Can't call it that. Um, but yeah, football and gym. I've been on and off with gym. Um. Yeah, I think playing, um, the year Lydia passed away, thinking back I was playing at Rrh and Victor, um, she used to come and watch quite a lot of our games 'cause um, a lot of our mates played like close mates.

Um, and the year she passed, he went on to win the treble. So that's pretty special. Um, so that's always, just always like a good escape, I think like. I've just staying consistent with it. Like I think we train once or twice a week to have train and just

Yeah.

Get, get out the hours for an hour. Like just not think of anything.

Yeah, because

you've noticed the difference when you, you, your routine drops and you're not active

having Yeah. When, when I'm not doing anything, I've, I just, mental health goes, I think I just need to keep the mind active and busy. Yeah. Fucking, I'm sitting around, moping around. I can't, can't do it.

You've said you've made your mistakes.

You've said you've, you've got re regrets. What do you, what do you mean by that?

I was looking back to like the, everything really the past seven years. I think I lived when I was on like the drinks and drugs and I was probably embarrassed. Like he's blackout. You dunno, just you come back around the next morning or whatever it is and people tell you what you've done or said and you just, oh, what the fuck, have I done that?

And there's some embarrassed, um, like there's some other stuff has said and done like in the past seven years, just thinking back and even like the whole at night, the way I reacted, I think. Just everything going back the past seven years, there's a lot of, lot of regrets and mistakes and demons and yeah.

Stuff I've, I'm not really not proud of, you know? Um, so yeah.

Anything in particular you really want to get off your chest out of the last seven years that you've,

there's too many to think of. Really too many. I think there one big one that kind of sticks in the head, even though there's a lot, lot more as my cousin's wedding, I think that day still.

Yeah. Sticks with, yeah. You had

mentioned that in a, in a previous episode and, um. So you, you carry the regret, the guilt. Has it all started to reduce now? Is it, if, if, if we were to look at a, you know, a, a meter, if you like, a, a gauge of, of the level of regret and, and guilt that you've felt, you know, from the time, is it, is it slowly reducing for you?

Yeah, I think doing this, doing the journal, doing this has helped me massive really. I think, yeah, it's just. Yeah. Yeah. I think always gonna think of Lydia. Um, like he's a massive part in my life.

Yep.

Um, you like 20 at the time and I was when she passed away, like she was my whole world. That's uh,

yep.

I kind of think of it now as like, um, she's like, yeah, I've met my guardian angel sort of thing.

You know? Um, kind of, kind of put a bit of a positive spin on it even though it's massive negative, just trying to say. Sure. Yeah. That sort of like, I've met my guardian angel.

Nice. You've written in your journal and other things that I've seen that you, you wanna turn your, your pain into, into power?

Yeah.

Can you explain that to me a bit?

Not really. No. I think just you always got that pain's always gonna be there. Like it's just never gonna go. Like you just gotta try to turn it into something positive. I think trying to enhance it and Yeah. Not to have that does not feel like throwing the dumps about it.

It's happened, it's, it's always gonna be there. Just kind of gotta. Trying to turn it into a positive and build something

can, can I, can I push you on that mindset and ask why does it have to. Always be there. Why can't you eventually forgive yourself and for it to still be a part of your life, but without the pain?

Without the guilt,

yeah,

without the regret. You, you really feel that's not possible.

No, I think it is. I think, yeah. Yeah. I think, I think it definitely, I think that just, yeah, clearly you're never gonna forget that,

not forget, be able to. Live comfortably.

Yeah.

With with it. Which is you're doing everything you possibly

can.

Yeah. I think, I think it's getting to that stage now. I think I'm kind of going into that next chapter. I think this is,

yeah,

yeah,

yeah. What are you working towards now? What are your goals for the, for the future? What, you know, where do you see your life going from here?

Well, I'd love to like be able to travel more.

Um. Hopefully do this. So, you know, you never know. That's the kind of the dream, I think, to try Carry, carry this on travel around and podcast. And I think the other big goal of mine is to, um, like become a qualified counselor as well.

Yeah. As you, as you said. Have you, have you taken steps towards doing anything in that?

Yeah. In that area. I looked that, um, family friend in Toki, um, Stu, uh, his friend, um, become a counselor, um, only recently. Um, and he said, oh. I kind of kind of been flirting with the idea sort of thing. Um, and he said, I'll put you on tour and gave me his number, had a chat with him. Um, he kind of told me the company he'd done it through and stuff, so he got an office on the Gold Coast in Southport, so everyone close by.

So kind of it's just, just the money side of it at the moment. Yeah,

sure.

Yeah,

sure. Have you. Many of your friends or family been out to, to visit Yeah. To Australia since you've been here?

Yeah. Um, a few of my mates lived in, uh, Sydney last year. Um, I lived, I lived with one of my mates, Ryan in Adelaide for a little while.

Probably went to Sydney. Um, yeah, I've got a few mates still in Sydney and all over the shop. Um. Yeah, my mom and dad have come over. My brother lives here now. Yeah. Um, he surprised me, um, when they come over with my mom and dad, so that was lovely.

Yep.

And now he's, um, living in Victoria, working with Stu and doing his aircon, so, um, getting his, he's getting sponsored as well, which is good.

Awesome. And yeah. Um, east Coast trip as well with three of my closest mates. That's probably one of, one of the best trips I've had so far. So, yeah.

Do you ever think about, even, I know you feel you're Australia's home now mm-hmm. Um, probably will be for, for for life,

hopefully. Yeah.

Yep.

Fuck

it. Um,

yeah.

How do you feel, have you ever thought about going back?

Yeah. And just even just to visit and, and what that.

Yeah.

May feel like,

yeah, hope well meant to be going back in August, but who knows with all this stuff going on. Sure. Up around.

Yep. Yep.

Uh, at the moment. But yeah. Fingers crossed. We can, we can go. Um,

are you looking forward to that? Does that bring up any emotion

for

you?

Yeah, I kind of mixed emotions. I think. Um, I can't wait to go and see everyone. I'm. Like my nan granddad, all my, all my close friends, aunt, uncle, my cousins, just everyone I'm buzzing to see. I think I always said to people like, I miss the people, not the place, I think.

Yep.

Yeah, I think it's, it'll bit mixed emotions, definitely.

I think you're going, but, um, yeah, I, I'm looking forward to it, really. Um, yeah.

Sure. Do you still think about Lydia every day?

I think near enough, yeah. I think she's always in the, in my, in my mind,

pretty, yeah. Yep. What, what part of her do you still carry with you? I

dunno, really. I just, yeah. Every day. I think I can't, when you forget about her, I think that's when she really does die.

You know what I mean? I think I can't, I can never really let that happen. I think, I think she's just, she was just a big personality. I think that that whole night,

yeah.

That night that when everything happened, she's just like, it changed so many people's eyes, not just mine. I think that just obviously, uh, it's just changed so many people's eyes and I often think about that as well.

Yeah. Yeah.

If Lydia could see you now. What do you think she'd, she'd say,

I dunno. Hopefully say like, she's proud. And so playing yourself like, like how far you come. Yeah. You have done well. Yeah. And stop being so hard in yourself and believe in yourself. I think. I mean like that.

Well, that really brings me to the, my last question.

Who are you now compared to who you were then?

Yeah. Like I said to him, previous episodes only like looking back, don't really recognize myself. Um, I've probably, when something that happens to you at 20, it's life changing. Um, you're never gonna be the same person again, I think takes you, it's taken me seven years, seven a bit years to realize that the person I wanna be sort of thing, not be, have that negative, not mope around feeling sorry for myself that it's happened.

Um. I'm just try and kind of make Lily proud, make myself proud. I wanna make my friends and family proud 'cause they've done so much for me. I think just, yeah.

Do you feel like you are making it proud?

Hopefully? I think so. Yeah. Hopefully I, yeah, hopefully am, but just not, not just that I just got doing myself.

Proud of think I, doing the journal reading back and everything I've been through and not just me, everything, everyone around me that's been through, it's just been absolutely mental. Seven years like. It feels like that night's happened and it's that someone's just gone fast forward. I don't even know where them seven years has gone.

You blink and everything that's gone on. Like the pandemic, Lydia passing friends, losing siblings, parents, um, another friend, like of a friend. Like there's people, plenty people around. I've known that I've just had something life changing after in the past seven years. It's um, yeah, a lot's gone on. Um. And I'm just trying, yeah, just trying to do the best I can with it, I think.

Um, yeah. Don't know what I'm doing with, I'm just making up as I go along. So yeah.

Daniel, thank you so much for

sharing your story. Alright, Daniel. I appreciate it.