EP01: The Night that Changed Everything

 

It's not a day Since then, I haven't thought about Lydia in the night.

Daniel, maybe you could start by telling us why you wanted to do this podcast.

Uh, I think it'd be good, you know, been wrapped around me for seven years. Get it out and talk about it.

Who was Lydia?

Oh, she was funny, witty, like there's a warmth about her, uh, caring.

What was your first date then? What, uh, what happened from there?

First date, I think first official date was, um, went for a meal. And then went to the cinema. Her reaction was, oh, you are Tesco boy. And that was my nickname for a little while. Yeah.

Tesco boy.

Yes. Yeah.

To the night of January 25th, 2019. Um, it was the night things did change.

Can you start by telling me how the, the night started or even the late afternoon started out?

Yeah. I think I was just like normal Friday. Um, went a lot of work and then did a come around mine in the evening. Uh, I was gonna stay the night. Um, we went out, um, had a bit of disagreement. What did you do next?

And then like, go to our location and then, yeah. Just because I got there, heart sank something, but

can you remember how you felt?

I think it just,

welcome to the first episode of Episodes of Life. My name's Adam, and for the first four episodes I'll be sitting down with the creator of this podcast, Daniel Buckner, as he shares his own personal journey through love, loss, grief, and learning to live with it. In this very first episode, we're going back to the beginning, before the trauma, before the grief, before life split into a before and after.

Today Daniel is sharing about a night that changed his life forever, who Lydia was and the life they shared. Daniel, maybe you could start by telling us why you wanted to do this podcast.

Uh, I think it'd be good. Did I have been right around me for seven years? Get it out and talk about it. Um, I haven't been doing it enough.

I don't think it has taken me seven years before. I was like talking about it and sharing it and yeah, that helps. Um. And hopefully, you know, people watching us will realize that and talk about it. Go and see their mates, whoever, and just if they're struggling, like mental wealth's a big thing and yeah,

sure.

'cause it's obviously a night that that changed your life, but it's far more than that, isn't it? It it is really a story that spans the full seven years from, from there on.

Yeah. Don't, it's not a day since then. I don't, haven't thought about Lydia in the night. It's, it is with you, with you every day. Some days you're living with it some days, so you can think about it.

Okay. You're not in a good place sort of thing, so, yeah.

So we, before we talk about the night of the, the accident, I'd like to sort of paint a picture. Who, who was Lydia? Tell us about who she was.

Oh, she was funny, witty, like there's a warmth about her. Uh, caring. Yeah. She was just, I love spending time with her, like just being around her, just, yeah, it's just so good to be around.

Um, lot of people loved her. Um, like the people go and ask her for advice and stuff, so she was, yeah, she was, she was the best. She was amazing. Yeah.

How did, how did you guys meet?

Uh, I think I was 19 at the time. Uh, working part-time at Tesco. It was a Saturday. Um, I served, uh, um,

at Tesco's. That's a, uh, that's a,

a supermarket, isn't it,

in the uk,

bit like Woolies

and

Coles.

Yeah. That's it. Here in Oz. Yeah. Um. And yeah, I served her and I said, oh, you going out tonight? And she said, yeah. It turns out I was just gonna the same place with my friends. Um, saw her in the club. Had a couple of drinks. I had the courage to go and ask her for her number and yeah, went from there.

Did she remember you from the, the, yeah.

The

meeting earlier that day.

Her, her reaction was, oh, you are Tesco boy. And that was my nickname for a little while. Yeah.

Tesco boy.

Yes. Yeah.

Okay. So do you remember much about that night? Was it a long night? Did you, did you dance the night away and, and you got a number? What, what,

I mean, I was, yeah, I kind of just got a number and kind of just said like, you had a good night.

Gonna have a good night with your friends, and, uh, have a good night with mine. And then I think. Probably messaged her as soon as I got home. Yeah.

Alright, so you messaged, so next day, what, what was your, what, what was your first date then? What, uh, what happened from there?

First date, I think the first official date was, um, went for a meal and then went to the cinema.

Okay.

Yeah.

Can you remember the movie?

No, I can't. No.

Okay.

No. Lots going between then, so,

yeah. Okay. And so it, it, it started off sort of, was it, was it one of those sort of love at first sight type meetings? Did, did, did feelings grow quickly?

Yeah. That grew, yeah. Grew very quickly. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. And so, um, how about the, the merging of the friends groups?

You, your, your mates got along with hers. Yeah. And that's always a big part of a, a relationship.

Um, yeah. My friends, some of my friends were like DJing at the time, and then some of her friends were DJing at the time were kind of just.

Okay.

Started mingling that way. Yeah.

Okay. Fantastic. And what do you remember about the time, you know, that you were dating?

What, what are some of your fondest memories through, through that time?

Favorite memory, probably Munich trip. Uh, went the November end of November into December for like Christmas markets and stuff, uh, before, uh, before Lydia died. So yeah, that sticks.

Okay.

Good memory.

Yeah. How long did you go over there for?

I think it was just like a long weekend, a few days sort of thing, but we've like got a lot done. Yeah, it was good.

Okay, fantastic. What do you think she brought out in you?

Probably made me grow up a bit, I guess. Um, yeah, I dunno. I kind of carry with the way like the person she was today with me, I guess, like I think about her every day.

So I just. I kind just think, what would Lydia do? She was like very strong mentally. Um, so glass full off club, pretty was always like a glass half full person. So yeah, kind of just try and carry with me every day. And yeah.

I think you mentioned that, um, before we started, she was very confident. She tended to, um Yeah.

Be able to bring out the the best in you. Yeah. And lift you, you know.

Yeah. She was like, she was that sort of person. Just think with everyone. Like, so when she walked into her room, it lit up. Um, she's just that sort of person. Yeah.

Yeah. Well look, can you now take me back to the, to the night of January 25th, 2019?

Um, it was the night things did change. Can you start by telling me how the, the night started or even the late afternoon started out?

Yeah, I think I was just like normal Friday. Um, went a lot of work and then Lydia come around mine in the evening. Uh, I was gonna stay the night. Um, we went out. Um, had like a bit of disagreement, got back to mine, she wanted to go and see her friends.

I was trying to like, get her to stay and Yeah. Trying to like be like this. Yeah. Trying to get her to stay, but she wanted to go and see her friends. So

you'd been out and, um, you had had a bit of, a bit of an argument she wanted to, to, to head off to some friends and you tried to, tried to stop her?

Yeah, I tried to stop her and, uh, she just, yeah, tried my best I guess, but she felt I could've done more.

Um, that's why I just played like so many different scenarios in my head.

Yeah. Well you weren't to know what was, what was to happen next.

Yeah, that's, yeah.

Can you tell me what did, did happen next?

Um, yeah, she, obviously I was just, she was gonna driving to see friends, um. And they started ringing me, got worried about her 'cause it wouldn't, it like taking her too long to get from where my house was to, to her friends in Tunbridge.

Um, so they, they were ringing me. How

long was the drive?

Oh, probably should've only been like a 15 minute 10. 15? Yeah. 15, 20 minute I'd say probably.

Okay. And how long after she'd left were you getting calls from, um, from her friends,

I couldn't tell. I probably would about. 15, 30 minutes, I'd say maybe. Yeah,

sure.

So what did you do next?

Checked to find my friends. Um, and then I drove to our location and then, yeah, just soon as I got there, my heart sank. Knew something wasn't right. Soon

as I, so, so you'd looked at your Find My Friends and there was a location that wasn't, wasn't moving.

Yeah. It wasn't moving. Yeah.

Right. What are, what are your thoughts as you're, as you're driving there, what's going through your, through your mind? So, I

dunno, really just driving her as quick as I can. Hopefully she's all right and yeah, just was not expecting what her, yeah.

Can you walk me through what you saw? What was the scene?

I remember as you arrived.

Yeah. Remember like pulling up and the police had like, shut the road. Um, and then I could see how like it was Lydia's car in the, in like the distance. Um, but tried to get in there to see her and the policeman not showing, asked my girlfriend, that's my girlfriend. Um, the policeman just grabbed me and said, oh, the paramedics are seeing to her, um, you have go like, wait in the car.

They just put me in the car. Police car.

Right. So there's lights and,

yeah. Blew like, I just flew like hate blue lights. I now I got flashing lights. Just takes me back.

I can imagine. So he's stopped you Put you in the what? In the back of a police

car? Back of the police car? Yeah. I just, yeah.

Right.

It felt like I was like a criminal or something.

I guess

that's how you felt?

A little bit, I guess because I just sat there like that. That's where you see the criminals just sat in the back of a police car and he just kinda just left me there.

Can you remember what emotions you, you're going through at that particular time? Sitting there in the back at, I guess at that stage, not knowing really what had happened, how serious it was?

Yeah.

Um, can you remember how you fell?

I think it just, I dunno, it kind of like butterfly. I, I've got the feeling now, like the, your heart, it barely just, you feel like sick, I guess. Like butterflies.

Yeah,

like a sick feeling. And just your whole body just feels,

yeah. Yep.

But shut down. Like I know that

adrenaline, that adrenaline

not so

good.

Adrenaline.

No. It just like, you feel sick and just see Yeah. It's adrenaline really just, yeah.

Do you know how long you were, you were sitting in the, the car before? Whatever came next.

Nah, I felt, I felt like a long time. Mm-hmm. Did for like a long time. But

Did you have your phone? Were you

messaging people or, yeah, I have the phone.

Phone. Um, I rang, uh, I was on the phone to Lydia's friends who she was going like driving to go and see, um, just kind of get, keeping them updated when I got updates.

Right.

And then I had to tell them that. Yeah, she passed away.

So tell me, did, what did happen, how did that news come to you that were, were the police coming and giving you updates regularly or was that the, the first message that, that came through and, and how did they, how did they tell you?

Yeah.

I, I, I was kind of not getting any updates from the police. I just sat there, just talked to her friends and just telling to her that I was just waiting to hear. And I dunno. And, and then I dunno how long it was. Got a knock on the window. The police asked me, I think like to go out the car and they told me she passed away.

Can you remember what you felt right at that, that very moment?

No, I kind just feeling like the fuck it there. Nice. Yeah,

it's bring it back up for you.

Bring it back up. Yeah. I feel just that. Your whole body's just like tingling the adrenaline and,

yeah.

Dunno what to do. Like it just heart sinks.

Yep.

Like your ass is falling out, I guess.

And some people would say like, it's just,

was, was anyone else there that you knew by that stage? Had anyone

else

arrived?

So, yeah, I was just on my own. And then, um, I, he's, he's, our policeman said, do you want me to ring anyone to come pick you up because you can't, you can't drive and stuff. And I was like, um, yeah.

It was like he rang my parents, gave 'em a phone. I was just. Broke down crying and Yeah, whilst he was on the phone waiting, which felt like an eternity for my parents' to turn up. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. I can't imagine.

Mm-hmm.

So your, your parents come and, and, and pick you up. Can you tell me, you know, obviously. Your world's just changed in an, in an instant.

And, uh, what did you do next? What were the first few hours like?

Uh, I, I remember my dad, mom, and dad turned up to pick me up. Um, both from just crying, gave me a hug. Um, I just remember dad in me here just saying, I'm so sorry, Daniel. And then the police was assaulting my parents. I just started like walking home just.

Crying and like screaming. Dunno, just trying to, I dunno what, just actual instinct. I dunno. What do you do in that moment? And then, um, yeah, and then my parents took me home. Uh, what did they, I can't remember if I went, I went home first. Um, my good, when of my good friends come around to see if I was all right.

Um, as I started drinking Serrano from the bottle, just to try and feel something, it just. Dunno, just in so much shock, adrenaline, you just dunno what to do. Just pacing, just what to do yourself, I guess. Just, and then went to Cambridge to see Lydia's friends who she was gonna see and I can just picture it now.

Just sitting on the lounge and just being in the room and you just feel like everyone's there 'cause of you and everything else is heartbroken. Yeah. And then, I dunno how long I was there for

with. How was the, the feeling between the, the, the group at that, at that stage?

Uh, just everyone's dunno what to say to each other.

Do they just, what do you say? Like, just everyone's just hugging each other, crying, drinking, just trying to cope with it the best they can. I dunno, everyone's just kind of acting on instinct and then moments what? No one knows what to do, what to say. Uh,

one, um, one thing we're gonna explore throughout the, that.

This podcast series is your feelings of guilt and, and how you dealt with them. I'm, I'm interested to know whether guilt had, was a, an emotion that had set in early on or did that come later?

Probably instantly, to be honest. Becausecause, I was like the last person to see Lydia. Um, yeah, I was just played that that night over in my head for about seven years now, probably.

Most days, most nights, just different scenarios. What the ifs. And

do you think that would've been different? You've mentioned that you'd, you'd had a, a small argument and that, you know, you had planned to spend the night together and, you know, she decided to, to go to a friend's place because of that. If she had just, if it was in the normal planning of things that she was gonna leave you that night and you hadn't tried to stop it, do you think that would've made ultimately any difference with how you felt then and over the last seven years?

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. I dunno, mate. Yeah, maybe, but probably that feeling of that you're like the last person to see her, so maybe we'd always have that sort of feeling of guilt.

Yeah.

Maybe it wouldn't have hung around for so long. Um, but I thought, 'cause you're like the last person to see her, you probably would've always had that sort of guilt, I guess.

Yeah,

sure. So you spent most, most of the night at your, at your friends and what eventually went, went home?

Yeah. My, another good, good mate of mine, um, picked me up from Ambridge, um, with some other friends, um, and just took me back to my mom and dad's house. Um, had been up some friends there. Think I was watching Gavin and Stacey on the tv.

Um, remember that one of my, another good mate of mine, he was at, um, uh, Oxford, uh, uni Oxford, Brooks Uni. Um, he drove down from Oxford to come and see me. So it's just, I remember him there just giving me a hug, crying and just, yeah, it was, dunno, that's what we remember. I think, dunno about that day before we just.

Just trying to cope with probably

all a bit of a blurry

absolute blur. Yeah. I just remember them little snippets really. After that, nothing just blur. So you

dunno if you slept that night or

Nah,

no.

This is, yeah, absolute blur. I dunno. I remember, I dunno if it was the next day or not. Um, big group of us met up in Tunbridge, went for like a nice long walk until like a nice country pub, but I can't remember how when that was or,

yeah.

Yep. When. Did you have a good relationship with Lydia's parents? When did you first see them? After the

accident? Yeah. It could have been the next day. Yeah. Because know how soon, but yeah. Saw, uh, excuse me. So, um, saw them, um, yeah, and just they were very odd going around there and seeing them. And

so what, what do you remember then from, I guess there's.

Probably around a, a week or so to the funeral or, or thereabouts. Mm-hmm. What do you remember of that time, you know, between, you know, getting up that, that first day afterwards, up to the point of the, the funeral? Is there anything that sticks out during that particular time?

Um, like I said, that walk going, going around, see Lydia's parents for the, the first time I was sitting in her room for ages, didn't wanna leave.

Um, gonna tell my nan.

Apart from that, not much really. It's just like an absolute blur.

Yeah. Yeah. Did you start drinking heavily during that, that week?

Probably

more than you, you would normally,

yeah. Never really been a, I was at the time, not, not to now, but um, yeah, probably just. Probably don't run out and, 'cause I like to start being around people at the start.

Like if I was alone with my forts, it probably would've been a very bad forts and wouldn't have been fun. So I think just being around everyone was helped me a lot at the start. Um, so probably like meeting up with friends and going out for drinks and trying, everyone trying to keep busy sort of thing and being together I guess.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Was there a time you went round to, um, to Lydia's house and. Met with her parents and spent time in her, her room.

Yeah. Yeah.

Tell me about that.

Remember the first time went around to see her parents to tell her I just, yeah. Just sat in her room, just talking to her and down on the bed.

Didn't wanna leave, just crying. Talking to her, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Did not wanna leave. Kind of where I felt sort of closest to her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you do that more than once?

Yeah. Yeah. I, Alicia's parents were good. They kinda let me go around there and. See them and had had the dog, um, Stanley, um, it's nice.

I managed to, they let me take him out for walks after I remember reading like National Trust, Chartwell, um, me and Lydia went there as a, took Stanley for a walk after she passed away and sitting at the View point sort of on the bench with dog and, uh, just sitting there and just, it was nice just talking to him.

Sure.

Talking to Lydia and, yeah.

Alright. Can we, can we talk about the, the funeral?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Where, where was the funeral?

Uh, Tridge Wells. Uh, town where? Lydia. Um, that was

where

I grew up and stuff.

Sure. Can you tell me a little bit about the, the ceremony and what, what took place?

Uh, I remember driving there, um, and at the time I mely bit, listened to a bit of, quite a lot of queen music 'cause that film come out like the one about there the bye pick thing.

Um, oh yeah. I remember went cinema to watch that. And we used to a bit of Queen and her favorite queen song. Um, come on, on the radio as we were driving there. Um, yeah, somebody to love. So that was, that always sticks with me. Um,

so you think she was there with you at that moment?

Yeah, I guess so. Like, I kind of felt like she was there with me that day.

Um, so that was, that stuck with me a lot. Um.

Sure. Sure. And, um, how many, how many people attended the, the funeral?

Oh yeah, it's a lot.

A lot of people.

Yeah. A lot of people. Yeah.

Yep, yep. Did you do anything special that day in terms of, you know, honoring her and,

yeah. Um, we were all, everyone wore like orange.

Um, all the blokes wore like orange tires and stuff like that 'cause um, which was a nice touch. 'cause Liddy was a, a redhead, so it was a. Bit of color there and a bit brightened up the day a bit, so yeah. Um,

yep.

And then, uh, I think at the end of the day, at the wake, um, I think we let, we let some lanterns off.

Yeah,

right. Where was the, uh, where was the wake held?

Um, some hotel, I can't remember the name of it. At, um, in the pan towels and,

okay. Is there anything special you remember from that day in particular that still sticks with you? Sticks with you

now? I remember getting to the church. Um, all my mates were already there and, um, a good mate, bill like gave me a hug and said, I look smart and stuff.

And yeah, gave me a pat on the shoulder. Like I just, it was nice having my friends there and lot support and stuff. Yeah.

Yep. Did you give an, a eulogy at all, or,

oh, no, I've broken down.

Couldn't,

couldn't do it, couldn't, couldn't do it. I, I probably was just broken down and probably. Didn't feel like I deserved to do that.

I think maybe, yeah.

Why do you think you, you felt that way?

Probably that guilt. The guilt feeling again.

So you feel as though that, was that an emotion that was getting stronger almost day by day at that point? Or you can't really recall?

I can't really remember that probably. Yeah. I can't really remember too, too much.

And it's just all like a blur. I think everything's sort of so intense. You're just in your own little bubble, uh, for a long time. But yeah, I probably just would've. Couldn. I don't think I could've done. Yeah. I would've just broken down. Yeah. Couldn't have ended it

during that week, being that it was a, a car accident, um, and obviously medical service and police involved with it.

Were there any other sort of administrative type things that you had to deal with that, that week at, at all, or,

yeah. I remember, uh, police come over and like interviewed me.

Yep.

It was very hard.

Yeah. How, how was that?

Uh, hard. I just remember a doctor come round and, um, just interviewed me and like my mom and dad were there just at the kitchen table.

Really?

Yeah.

Trying to hold it all together.

Yeah. Okay. Were there any other sort of remembrance, celebrations or anything like that during that time or even, you know,

yeah,

after,

after

the funeral?

Yeah. I remember, I think it might have been maybe Lydia's birthday. Um, it was in February. That was a big one.

Um, like was again at grabbing liquor, the venue. Um, and we like got a load of pictures printed off of Lydia and like stuck them and hung them off the wall. And, um, dj my mates were like DJing. It was like a lot of people there. It was, it was good. Good night and yeah, to remember.

Okay. I guess you're getting now to the point where it.

Your life has, has changed in, in, in the blink of an eye. Do you feel as though the night of the accident that you've had one life before that and one life after?

Yeah, a hundred percent. If kind of that person knew was before it all happened, probably died that night as well. You're just, you're not gonna be the same person after something that, like, that happens.

Uh, yeah. I don't like looking, like, looking back at old pictures. Don't even like recognize myself

really,

to be honest. Yeah.

Yep.

Um. Yeah,

so with that last remembrance ceremony, if you like, on a, on her birthday, I guess that was another turning point in that, from that point on, everyone else tends to go back to normal.

But it didn't for you, did it?

No. No. Nah. Yeah.